Staying unbelonged

I write for myself. I share my writing for others.

Writing is the most intimate manner in which I share my life. All other forms of sharing are part-truth since they are tailored for the situation, for the person, for a goal.

I write to formalise my learning, to learn more, to see my questions outside of my head, and to learn anew. And for all this, truth is essential. Truth in the moment, truth to my own self, and truth in the context of stripping my self-image, my inhibitions, and the many layers of beliefs.

I share my writing so that it is available to others, to let them know that they are not alone in their thoughts, and to let them know that it is only in being myself that I can find truth as I know and understand truth.

It is important to state that I have no desire to belong. Belong to another individual, to a family, to a community or to a society. But I feel privileged to be a part of another’s life and to be a part of a family and to be a part of human society and of the various communities, and I do not take these privileges lightly. But being free of the desire to belong means that I do not, consciously, say or do things that ensure that I stay belonged. My thoughts and actions are thus all my own – and what that means is that all the faults and mistakes (perceived or otherwise) associated with my words and actions are mine, and I do not escape that responsibility by saying that some other entity (such as another individual, family, religion, philosophy, society or belief system) is guiding me and therefore driving my actions.

I must also state that it was not always like this. In previous years, I have had the desire to belong and in all honesty, all my thoughts, words, and actions in those years, were driven by the fear of not belonging or not belonging any more to someone or some entity, and therefore, such words and actions were biased towards such entities, and therefore were unmindful of or exclusive of other entities. Through the years I have learned that there is no peace in such an existence: there is only strife and conflict.

Today, I still find strife and conflict, but those are external to me. And as such, I have the liberty to chose to engage and participate in those or not, without being worried or fearful of the responses of others. In simpler words: the judgment of others is immaterial to my thoughts, words and actions now. I am not free of the consequences of any such judgment, but at least I do not carry the daily weight of their expectations on my frail human shoulders any more.

But truth itself is transient since there can be no universal truth because for there to be universal truth, there has to be universal value, universal viewpoint, universal reality, and to the best of my study and understanding, those do not exist either.

I admit that it is a daily – some times hourly – struggle to stay unbelonged and therefore, have a semblance of being relatively free. But I find it a lot easier than the life I used to live trying to please everyone around or fitting in or simply being on the fence to avoid stepping on any toes. And yes, of course, there are heavy prices to pay for such a vagabond existence. But that’s a different story.

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